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My Gran said to me, “Young men of today just aren’t as polite and charming as they were when I was young”. I had to explain, “That’s because they aren’t trying to f**k you now.”
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.
My phone will ring at two in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?" I don't fucking know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!
Two wrongs do not make a right; but three rights make a left.
I love my girlfriend, don't get me wrong. I truly love this woman, but I have the ability to have sex without any emotional involvement. It's a gift.
Then Jasper said "Look here, nigger, if anyone's gonna have sex with my sister, it's gonna be me."
To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.
Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.
I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.
What is stand-up comedy?
Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.
It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.
In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.
