Best short quotes

I'd like to die like my father died... My father died fucking. My father was 57 when he died. The woman was 18. My father came and went at the same time.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think, I'm fucking havin that!'

Friends take up time, and I didn't have time.

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with the internet.

Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.

Barack Obama may be black, but John McCain is the first Albino presidential candidate: he's completely see-through!

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.