Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.
Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.
There's a guy in the audience with a distinctive laugh. I hope that guy is miked. The only problem with having a distinctive laugh is I know exactly when that guy isn't laughing. "Oh, distinctive laugh doesn't think that joke was funny!"
You know when they show someone washing their hair under a waterfall? That's crazy. That would knock you on your butt.
Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic! Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus! One of those two doesn't sound right.
I like to smoke a pipe, because it's the punch line indicator. Whenever I take a hit of the pipe, you should be laughing.
I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "what" and turn my head slightly.
One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.
I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match "It's a fight to the finish". That's a good place to end.
Yeah, I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot!
It's hard to dance if you just your lost wallet. "Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky."
I went to a doctor, and all he did is suck blood from my neck. Don't go see Dr. Acula.
At the end of a letter I like to write "P.S. This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly!
I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add "er".
I wrote my friend a letter with a highlighting pen, but he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.
When I was a boy, I laid in my twin size bed, wondering where my brother was.