I love playing ego and insecurity combined.
If we (Lauren and Jim) ever get married, we're just going to put helmets on, run into each other from a hundred yards, and smash together like rams
I just want to be killer funny. You know kick ass piss in your pants run out of the theatre and rip you dick off and throw yourself into traffic funny!
Like most Catholic boys, I wanted to be Jesus Christ. I could never get the turn-the-other-cheek thing down, though.
One thing I hope I'll never be is drunk with my own power. And anybody who says I am will never work in this town again.
It's nice to finally get scripts offered to me that aren't the ones Tom Hanks wipes his butt with.
There was a time when people said, 'Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that.' Now they just say, 'Pay him!'
I know this sounds strange, but as a kid, I was really shy. Painfully shy. The turning point was freshman year, when I was the biggest geek alive. No one, I mean no one, even talked to me.
Somebody help me, I'm being spontaneous!
Your request is not unlike your lower intestine, stinky and loaded with danger.
Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number still 911? Aaaalrighty then.
Until Ace Ventura, no actor had considered talking through his ass.
There is nothing like making love to somebody you give a shit about.
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
My report card always said, 'Jim finishes first and then disrupts the other students'.
If I'm not back in five minutes... just wait longer!
I don't make it in regular channels, and that's okay for me.
I don't care if people think I am an overactor, as long as they enjoy what I do. People who think that would call Van Gogh an overpainter.
Ever since I started to get recognition I've picked out certain fans and reverse-stalked them.
But, you know, you can't be a star at home.