You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
I’m desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
If the “black box” flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole damn airplane made out of that shit?
I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
I’m in shape. Round is a shape.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
The status quo sucks.
It’s never just a game when you’re winning.
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?
When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?