Charles Darwin wrote a famous book in 18[gibberish]. And that book was an interesting book, cuz it was called "Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-You"
Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia. This is true, they proved this one. The word dyslexia was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.
So I've learnt that the world is 4500 million years old. If you're very religious, then it's not 4500 million years old, it's 6000 years old. One of these is not correct.
Racist people, interestingly, are never as polite as smokers. Have you noticed that? Smokers always go, "Do you mind if I smoke? Oh, you do? Okay, I'll go outside and have a cigarette." Racist people never go, "Do you mind if I'm racist? Oh, I'll go outside … fucking blue people, eh? Coming here, steal our hamsters …"
No matter how much makeup I wore, people just kept saying "Yes, sir! Would you like tea with that, sir?" "Yes, I would like tea. Why don't you put it on my breasts?" "Certainly. Tea for this man's breasts! Anything else, sir?"
So … uh … I'd better explain the tits. Um … didn't have those at school. Wanted to, but not in the school curriculum … even though I asked.
Makeup's just crazy, anyways. Native Americans used to wear it, and it did all right for them until, uh … well, until you killed them all, I suppose.
Someone's killed 100,000 people. We're almost going, "Well done! You killed 100,000 people? You must get up very early in the morning! I can't even get down the gym. Your diary must look odd: 'Get up in the morning, death, death, death, death, death, death, death – lunch – death, death, death – afternoon tea – death, death, death – quick shower …' "
She said, "Spell 'ant' ", and I wrote out the entire alphabet. She said, "That doesn't spell 'ant' ", and I said, "It's in there somewhere! There's the A, there's the N, there's the T – the rest are silent!"
Agatha Christie? We go back years, me and Ag. She's a … she's just a … she's dead, isn't she?
Religion and philosophy, philosophy and religion – they're two words which are both … different. In spelling.
Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that's the deal.
I am two lesbians in a man's body.
There's two positions in snowboarding. One is looking cool and the other is DEAD!
I had to go see a chiropractor in New York. And they're different from osteopaths because of the spelling. Of course, they're both very powerful figures on the Scrabble board, though. "Chiropractor. Chiropractor. Ninety-three letters, 'chiropractor.'"
And the druids, they were into sex and death in an interesting night-time telly sort of way.
For those of you who don't speak French, by the way, all of that was fucking funny.
Of course, I couldn't tell the kids at school I was a transvestite. They's kill me with sticks. "Why are we killing him with sticks?" "I don't know... he said a word we didn't understand... and he won at Scrabble with it..."
I like my coffee hot and strong, like I like my women, hot and strong... with a spoon in them.
I like my coffee like I like my women...covered in beeees!